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The Father's Field Guide to Survival
Tips and advice from veterans of custody wars

Surviving a custody battle is not easy. Many men don't. Every year, suicides grow more numerous among fathers cut off from their children by injustice in the family courts, and such suicides rank high in the statistics compiled by virtually all developed nations. We don't want you to become another one.

Your goal is to live to fight another day. Going out in a blaze of glory won't do you or your children any good at all...and a suicide born of desperation is far from glorious in any event. If you stay strong for your children, there is always hope.

You must be prepared for the fact that every day will present you with a challenge, whether to counter some new legal tactic fired at you, or simply the challenge to fight with yourself to overcome the stress or depression that threatens any sane man in this situation. The tips and suggestions below have been compiled by experts in the field, and by other fathers like you.[1] Learn from their experience; your life on the battlefield will be easier.

If your child's mother is a foreign national or holds dual citizenship, and if there is any risk that she may flee to another country with the child, you should check with the passport office of your country to see if they maintain a 'flagged' database of children at risk of international parental abduction. Listing your child in such a database can help prevent the mother from obtaining or using a passport for the child without your knowledge and approval (unless she has a court order specifically authorising her to do so). You should also make yourself familiar with the Hague Convention on International Child Abduction, and learn who is the 'Central Authority' for your country. Rapid action on your part is essential when a child is abducted to a foreign country, because there is a deadline for filing your demand for repatriation. There is also a clause in the Convention stating that the return of the child to his 'habitual home' may be refused if 'it is demonstrated that the child is now settled in its new environment'. Note that the Convention does not cover children over the age of 16.

Keep a detailed journal or diary of every encounter, conversation, or incident involving your child's mother and/or your child. Dates, times, places, and events must be recorded accurately, as well as witnesses' names if there are any witnesses. You may think you will remember this information later, but experience shows these cases drag on for so long and become so complex that no one can keep track of everything that happens without a written record. You may keep an anonymous blog on the internet somewhere, or keep your journal on your computer (burn CD's as backups frequently). Or use the old-fashioned method of a paper diary. In some jurisdictions, a hand-written diary can be submitted as evidence in court if it is kept regularly, the entries are hand-dated and consecutive, and the diary is written in a bound book which cannot have pages removed without it being obvious.

Have a reliable witness with you every time you meet your child's mother. This can protect you from her making false accusations against you later on. As mentioned above, if it is legal in your jurisdiction to record conversations you have with her, do so. Keep careful records of every recording, and keep the tapes or cd's in a safe place. You never know when you will need to prove you didn't do or say something.

Don't be so 'tough' that you hurt yourself...or your friends. Call for a shoulder when you need it. Remember you have friends, and call upon them to give you emotional support when things are getting too much for you. But be kind to them too, and try to spread the load amongst them. Don't call the same friend all the time if you can do otherwise. A good friend wants to help you, and wants to give you that non-existant 'magic bullet' to make your problem go away. But he can't. Often, all he can do is listen. Being unable to give you the concrete help he wants so desperately to provide is harder on him than you realise. So help him help you, and make sure he knows how much he is helping just by being there when you call.

Join World Fathers Union and a local fathers' support group if there is one in your area. Many men have learned that working to right the wrongs they have personally suffered is excellent therapy. It also helps to have someone to whom you can write or speak who understands what you have been through, and who can offer advice and solace when your reserves of emotional strength are lowest.

And finally, always remember these words, and say them to yourself every day as you arise:

There may come a day when the courage of men fails...
But it is not this day.

The material in the Fathers in Crisis pages was created by the World Fathers Union Crisis Group. The Group is composed of members working from both personal experience and professional knowledge. Lead authors were John F. Smith (CAN) and John T. Smith (CAN/UK). Special thanks go to our contributors and consulting members, including attorneys John A. Smith (USA) and John K. Smith (USA); child and family psychologist John P. Smith (NZ); Professor Jane J. Smith (USA); John P1 Smith (CAN); and Dr Mark Heitner, M.D. (USA). Many other members have also contributed to these pages by asking us hard questions about their own situations and making us search for good answers. The Union thanks them all. [RETURN TO TEXT]

WORLD FATHERS UNION: Working for fathers and children everywhere.

World Fathers Union is an all-volunteer research and outreach NGO. We work to foster cooperation and unity amongst fathers-aid groups worldwide working for equity in the family courts of all nations. We do statistical research, compilation, and analysis of trends in social and legislative policy affecting fathers and children, and we provide outreach programs to fathers and children in distress worldwide. Membership in the Union is free, anonymous, and open to everyone.

World Fathers Union, P.O. Box 278, Yarmouth, Nova Scotia B5A 4B2. www.worldfathersunion.com