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The Rules of Engagement
Things not to do, and mistakes to avoid

The beginning of any separation is the most critical period. Emotions run very high, and this is the period during which 'fatal' mistakes are usually made. Research shows that if you can avoid going to court at all and settle the problem directly with the child's mother, you will come out ahead in the great majority of cases and your child will be protected from the horrible side-effects of the custody fight. Remember: No custody agreement or court order is permanent until the child is 18 years old and can legally enforce his own decisions. You may have to accept a poor agreement now in hopes of negotiating a better one in six months. It will not be easy...but you must try to take the long-term view.

Rule One: DON'T PANIC.

This is the hardest rule of all to follow, and the most essential. Statistics show that children are taken from their fathers by the mother in 80% of contested cases. Fathers must realise that this is a deliberate and vicious act calculated to make them lose their heads and act in ways which will later be used to their great disadvantage before a court. Do not fall into this trap. Get a good friend to hold you up while you regain your emotional balance. Or call a crisis line in your area. Then make intelligent plans on how to handle the situation. Do not forget to eat and take care of yourself. Your children need you alive and healthy to fight for them.

Rule Two: DON'T LET THE LAWYERS GET CONTROL.

Try to settle things by negotiating directly with the mother, no matter how hard that may be. (If you can't swallow your pride temporarily to help your children, ask youself how good a father you really are.) Once a dispute is taken over by the attorneys on both sides, it is almost inevitable that the conflict will escalate and communication between the parents will become difficult if not impossible. Divorce lawyers have a vested interest in prolonging and escalating the dispute because this generates more billable hours for them. Divorce is big business for the legal profession. If you must engage the services of an attorney, try to limit his mandate to negotiating a custody arrangement out of court. Click here for more information about how to hire an attorney.

Rule Three: STAY OUT OF COURT.

You cannot count on the family courts to render fair decisions. There is a strong, institutional bias against fathers in virtually all developed nations. Even in the few jurisdictions where statute and Supreme Court decisions clearly state that fathers must be given equal consideration in custody demands, entry-level family court judges routinely ignore the law and find a way to rule in favour of the mother in close to 80% of cases. That puts the odds of a father winning custody at 4 to 1 against him. That's not a wager worth making unless there is no other choice.

If you think you must go to court--and there are times when it is unavoidable--avoid making tactical errors which will dog you until the children reach the age of majority. Click here for more information on going to court.

Rule Four: DO NOT CALL IN CHILD WELFARE AUTHORITIES.

Do not call the Child Welfare or Children's Aid authorities unless you have absolute proof the mother is physically abusing the child.

"Physical abuse" does not mean spankings; "absolute proof" does not mean the child told you his mother hit or molested him. It means scars, burns, broken bones, major bruises, and other trauma which cannot be mistaken for the results of an ordinary childhood accident (such as falling down the stairs or falling off a bicycle).
You must also have absolute proof that it was the mother who committed the abuse. This means witnesses and/or an incontrovertable paper trail that proves the abuse happened while the child was in the mother's sole custody.

If you do not have absolute proof of such abuse, do not call child welfare. You will just be asking for trouble.

Child welfare agencies everywhere have a long and dismal track record of lining up on the mother's side against the father, and once they get into your child's case, they are almost impossible to get rid of.
Even in cases where the mother is obviously at fault, they often leave the child with her, or decide to remove the children from BOTH parents, because they have an institutional bias against fathers.
Finally, you must realise that the judge will view you calling in the child welfare authorities as a mean-spirited way to 'get' your wife. This will not help you convince him to give you custody.

Rule Five: DO NOT COMMIT CONTEMPT OF COURT.

This means you must obey all interim court orders or agreements scrupulously. Yes, we know the system is unfair, and the rulings will often be intolerable. But it is the system we have until we succeed in changing it.

Getting yourself charged with contempt of court will not help you obtain custody or access to your children; it will make it harder or impossible, and can cause you to lose what little access you may already have.
In addition, it will make things worse for all other fathers and children in the same situation. Every time a father anywhere loses his cool and breaks the law, his acts will be reported in the media as yet another example of why men should never be trusted with children.
Women can get away with ignoring court orders and hitting their former partners; men cannot. This is one of the things we are trying to change...but it's not changed yet. Face the reality and keep your record clean.

Instead of getting fined or thrown in jail, join an anonymous organisation such as World Fathers Union which is working to reform the family court system, and help remove judges who are abusing their power at your children's expense. Working to help other fathers and children can help get you through the hardest times in your own case by giving you a sense of purpose.

Next: The Order of Battle--An Angry Mother's Checklist

The Rules of Engagement

The Order of Battle

The Father's Field Guide

WORLD FATHERS UNION: Working for fathers and children everywhere.

World Fathers Union is an all-volunteer research and outreach NGO. We work to foster cooperation and unity amongst fathers-aid groups worldwide working for equity in the family courts of all nations. We do statistical research, compilation, and analysis of trends in social and legislative policy affecting fathers and children, and we provide outreach programs to fathers and children in distress worldwide. Membership in the Union is free, anonymous, and open to everyone.

World Fathers Union, P.O. Box 278, Yarmouth, Nova Scotia B5A 4B2. www.worldfathersunion.com