First: The Bad News
There are no 'magic bullets' on this page. If, like so many millions of other fathers, your children's mother has just disappeared with them, you are now standing at the beginning of a long and terrible road and nothing you read here or elsewhere will prevent you from having to start down it.

If you've come here looking for a miracle solution to your custody problem, you will be disappointed in that search. There are no miracles here...or anywhere else. Anyone who tells you different is a liar...or at best, a well-meaning fool.

Next: Some help and comfort
No matter how terrible your situation, no matter how scared you feel right now, remember these two things:

Countless other men have walked it before you, and have learned the hard lessons the hard way. You can learn from their experience to make your own voyage less hard...but you will have to fight with yourself to do that. Because right now, you want to fight with her, and that is the worst thing you can do in all but the rarest of cases.

There are predictable pitfalls and dangers along it...but there are also side-roads leading off it, and most of them are known to those who have walked this way before you.
The purpose of the advice on this page will be to warn you of those pitfalls, so that you may avoid them, and to guide your steps into side-roads which lead to a smoother path.


Are you already halfway down this road?
There are two situations which generally prompt a man to search for help from fathers' aid organisations such as World Fathers Union.

If you are in the second of these two situations, you already know much of what follows...but we urge you to read it again, because it may help you understand better what has happened to you, and it may allow you to view your own situation from a global perspective which can be helpful as you try to decide what to do next. We all tend to focus too closely on our own troubles, and feel as if our situation is unique. Sadly, this is not true. But believing that comes very hard.

Remember this: Almost all custody disputes fought through the courts follow the same basic 'story-line.' In our research, we read hundreds of custody decisions from different courts all over the world. We have seen over and over again that there very few variations to the basic 'plot'. The same tactical moves, the same false accusations, the same counter-claims, the same legal arguments come around over, and over, and over again. The only difference between cases is which mix of the same elements are present. It's like baking a cake: You can add any combination of flavourings that you like. But it's still a cake, and the basic ingredients remain the same.

If you are smart, you will learn from the mistakes of those who have passed this way before you. If you are not, you will ignore this advice, repeat their mistakes, and join them in their misery and frustration.

Three Steps to Survival

Below are links to the Union's three-part guide to surviving a custody war. Read them carefully. Then read them again...and again, if necessary. You will not want to believe most of this advice applies to you. We know that because none of the men who wrote these pages believed it either...until it was too late. We are trying to help you avoid our own mistakes. Do not think we tell you these things lightly. Every word you read here was written in the blood and tears of fathers like you.[1]


Part One: The Rules of Engagement
What not to do. Basic rules you must understand and follow, even if you don't like them.


Part Two: The Order of Battle
This section presents 'The Angry Mother's Checklist'--a virtual list of the most common tactics mothers use to deny fathers custody. What she may do, and how to defend yourself.


Part Three: The Father's Field Guide to Survival
A few other things you should do. Suggestions on living in a war zone and surviving to fight another day. Tips from veterans; advice from survivors. And a call to courage.

1. The material in the Fathers in Crisis pages was created by the World Fathers Union Crisis Group. The Group is composed of members working from both personal experience and professional knowledge. Lead authors were John F. Smith (CAN) and John T. Smith (CAN/UK). Special thanks go to our contributors and consulting members, including attorneys John A. Smith (USA) and John K. Smith (USA); child and family psychologist John P. Smith (NZ); Professor Jane J. Smith (USA); John P1 Smith (CAN); and Dr Mark Heitner, M.D. Many other members have also contributed to these pages by asking us hard questions about their own situations and making us search for good answers. The Union thanks them all.[RETURN TO TEXT]

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